unless you're a ballerina

Tonight I decided to do a hard thing that I'd been avoiding and it reminded me of something else.

A couple of weeks back I drew a couple of pictures for a letter that I sent my cousin in the MTC to try and help make my point clear about decisions we make in life. I was trying to say that sometimes we think of big decisions being HUGE but we forget all that leads up to those decisions. So I used 1st Nephi 8 as my example:

The iron rod is continuous. We can make decisions one after another, even if they're our own decisions and not blatant THUS-SHALL-IT-BE ones from the Spirit. The mucky river is much farther away than we sometimes feel. On top of that, if we make a choice that isn't the best, the iron rod is closer to us than is the stupid misery river. 

I've realized in my life that sometimes I think of these "big" decisions and see abysses at the edge of some faith cliff. I mean, what if I don't jump far enough? My long jumping skills aren't legendary at all.

I forget all of the the seemingly inconsequential choices that I've made that have led me to the spot I'm in and how I was able to make those decisions. I forget how when I made a less-than-stellar choice, I was able to correct course. I forget how Heavenly Father has never seen me make a sketchier choice without offering me a hint on how to get back to a better path.
I'm like AHHHHH!!!! CHASMS!!!!!!

But, no, life isn't really like that, even if it feels that way--and sometimes it feels that way a lot. Sometimes I think that the "walking into the darkness" kind of faith is actually just believing that there isn't actually a chasm beneath me. Oh! this totally reminds me of that scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.


Anyway, I don't think we have to leap chasms, per se. But I think if you're a ballerina, you could probably do it just fine:

An appendage to my last post

This afternoon when I was driving from picking up a random Bat Mitzvah card for my missionary cousin to the post office, I realized a large part of why the Trayvon Martin case has affected me so deeply. It's the willful attitude that many have of blaming the victim. I mean, it really pisses me off. As I was driving I thought of this scenario:

Would someone say it was my fault that after a while of my mission trainer molesting me and demeaning me I fought back? Would someone say that it was unfortunate that she molested me in an even harsher way, but I had fought back, after all?

I mean, this is utter bull shit, and we all know it. Zimmerman stalked Trayvon. Trayvon was just a 17-year-old kid. He was scared and had a totally normal reaction for a kid of that age. There was both a flight and a fight in his reaction.

Someone explain the difference. There is none. This is part of the reason why it took so many years for me to say anything: I was so damn afraid that people wouldn't believe me, that it was my fault, that I deserved it. I mean, Trayvon was a teenager wearing a hoodie b/c it was raining. Shifty. AND the kid had the audacity of being black.

And here's the thing, that second paragraph up there happened to me. I fought back in this way or that, whatever way I could in the demoralized state I was in. It got worse. She humiliated me more.

So by the same dumb-ass logic that person after person has been posting about on FB, I deserved every shitty moment of my abuse after I fought back. In fact I deserved all of it b/c I was an American woman with big breasts. I was exotic.

Maybe if all these (Zimmerman apologists and the) people that deny that there isn't an undertow of victim blaming in the U.S. stepped out of their ignorant shit-box of privileged comfort and realized what they were saying, and how horrible it was, this nation could actually heal.

Because I know for EFFING DAMN SURE that I have no fault in what happened to me. I've been allowed to heal from a victim to a survivor. I have faith in God and think that Trayvon is a survivor, too, just not on this planet and that makes my heart ache.

recent spat(e)

I don't know if I'm just more sensitive to things lately or if there's been a larger amount crap on my FB timeline, but I have been doing a good job at trimming my facebook friend list. Maybe I'm just done with putting up with racism and sexism and other ignorantism? I used to simply block their posts from appearing, but now I'm to a point where I'm like Do I even want that in a friend?
The trick comes when it's a relative. Blocking the posts is my only real option there.
Sigh.
I think it's probably that I'm just fed up with it and am more sensitive. I'm not sure that's a bad thing.

lucky in the grand scheme of stuff

This afternoon I was thinking about how lucky I am in the grand scheme of things. I mean, something absolutely shitty happened to me on my mission that messed me up incredibly and slowly dragged me down over the years. But once I realized what happened and started telling people and looking for help, I've never been denied it. In fact, EVERYONE has been loving and supportive. No one has ever doubted me, it's always been an immediate jump to belief and support. When I've needed something or have finally admitted that I'm not doing well, family and/or friends have jumped to me to support me.

How many people in my situation can say that? How many people in my situation get told the fault is theirs? How many people get rumors spread about them? Seriously, how many people end up dealing with stuff that is potentially more mentally and emotionally damaging than the sexual abuse/assault/rape they suffered.

But I have felt nothing but love and support--love and support that has been so overwhelming at times I've dropped to my knees.

I was chatting with Heavenly Father about this earlier. I think my question was a bit rhetorical, b/c I haven't received an answer yet. Maybe it's too early in the game for the answer. All I know is the support and outpouring of love that I've felt, even from people commenting on this blog that I don't personally know, have lifted me so high, have been a gentle upward push helping me get past one painful moment after another.

I don't know why I'm so lucky, but there's no way to express my gratitude about this. Here's a linguist saying that words in any of the languages I know are completely inadequate to describe what the unwavering support has done for my once broken and now healing soul

two things for today

I was thinking today about a couple different topics. First about how my facebook wall has lit up the last couple of weeks with discussions and back and forth about a few links that I posted, the Elizabeth Smart one where she talked about the stupid things that are said in abstinence-only sex ed courses (which is the worst way to go about sex ed) and then one about how kids can't be immodest and we shouldn't lay the heavy of adult shame on kids b/c the adults haven't figured out self worth.
There've been a few negative comments, but mostly positive and there's been good dialog, which I wasn't expecting in the amount that's been had.

So I've been thinking about shame and how it works. Today I realized that shame is like guilt. I've mini-soapboxed on my blog before about the difference between Godly sorry and guilt. This is the equation that I came up with:

shame is to worth as guilt is to godly sorrow

oh! I wanna write it in the logic framework

shame : worth :: guilt : godly sorrow

Then I wrote this down:

• Guilt drags us down and proves to us that we suck, we're not worth love, that we deserve every bad thing in life b/c of what we've done, that there's no way back to God.

• Godly sorrow doesn't avoid the fact that maybe we made a mistake, but God's totally on our side, waiting to help us learn and wants desperately for us to feel his love.

• Shame is a man-made construct that keeps us within a certain boundary b/c we know we're bad humans and without it we'd stray. It's essentially like  original sin, which was a dumb idea from the first time someone mentioned that falsehood.

• Worth lets us know that we are good, that we can know what to do to take of ourselves, that when someone treats us poorly, it has nothing to do with us. It also lets us know that if we've treated someone poorly, we are not doomed, nor is the other person.

Divine worth will never change. Within the Mormon context we may temporarily not be worthy/able to participate in certain religious contexts, but our divine worth is a constant. It is an unchangeable fact no matter what we do or especially no matter what anyone does to us.



Also today I realized that these last 18 months I essentially started over in my faith. My world crumbled around me and I picked up pieces here and there. I've not picked up some and I've put back down others. My faith has been a more confusing thing to deal with. The only clear truth that I know is that I'm a daughter of Heavenly Parents. That's where my faith has been building back up. It's been going on for a while, but I didn't realize it until today. I have knowledge about the doctrine of my religion, I have faith in how the atonement heals a wounded soul. But I no longer push, I no longer force something or berate myself when I simply can't go to church. Things will eventually work out. I know this b/c I have Heavenly Parents that believe in what my divine worth will do for me.

So there are two of my realizations from today.

Plans

A while back Brian was waxing philosophical about some things that he's heard people say over time and it's gotten me thinking on it for a while now.
He was talking about how people use some variation of the phrase "it was Heavenly Father's plan" or talk about how we don't understand the plan of our Father in Heaven when something terrible happens.
Brian mentioned that there are times when the phrase is big-time misapplied, and I think he's right. I think when tragic things happen--especially when someone else has done something terrible to us--it's not cool to comfort people by using the phrase, "It's all part of Heavenly Father's plan." Someone doing something bad to you is not part of Heavenly Father's plan.
I've noticed that the sentence is used when we're at a loss for words or when we're uncomfortable with the other person being sad.

When something sucky happens we should feel sad and we should let other people feel sad. Telling people that "it's all part of Heavenly Father's plan" can be like telling people that they're wrong for feeling sad. "Just be happy!" as a friend once told me. Or "fake it until you make it!" was another gem. Yeah, no.


It's easier to feel sad and deal with the problem. I think that's why we're told to mourn with those that mourn. It just works better.

Facepalm

That absolute facepalm of a moment when you post this about the de facto WASP hegemony (whose sovereign is HRH Dollar) to facebook:

People who complain about how extending rights to others means that you're somehow taking away their rights are pretty dumb. It's not that your freedom is taken away, it's that the privileged pedestal you've been coasting on is now being fairly populated by others and you've simply gotta work for things instead of being spoon fed your "successes."

and a Ron Paul supporter--a woman!--clicks "like."




just smh, S.M.H.

2nd art. of faith vs.(?) chastity talks

There's this thing that's been sitting in my mind for over a year and I think I figured out a way for a succinct post regarding it. (Well, succinct for me.)

The very Second Article of Faith in the LDS Church reads thus:

We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression.

Essentially it means that humans come to earth with a blank slate and aren't damned because Adam and Eve ate some quince. It also means that I'mma not be eternally damned for someone else's sin. Makes sense. I've got mine, you've got yours. Seems fair.
And we members of the Mormon Church are like all stoked about this truth. Well, until things like chastity are brought up. I should still be in charge of mine and you should still be in charge of yours, but (young) women in the church are not taught this, nor are the (young) men. We're instead taught that if the (young) women don't dress modestly, the (young) men will simply lose control, that we women need to "help the men" so that we can all stay pure.

Bull.

I've dressed modestly my whole life just b/c it's in my nature and I would be this reserved if I weren't Mormon. It is NOT my duty to dress modestly so that a guy can avoid getting all hot and bothered. It is the other person's job to deal with their own arousal, not mine.
First, the idea that men get aroused faster than women is a myth and is completely untrue.
Second, each person is supposed to watch their own thoughts, words and deeds. It's insane to think that if I wear a V-neck shirt that dips only 3 inches and not 4, that I will have magical control over someone else's brain and arousal mechanism.
Third, teaching (young) women that they carry the burden for their male counterparts sinning/not sinning completely negates the ENTIRE PRINCIPLE of the second Article of Faith.
Fourth, placing this heavy burden on (young) women and telling them that if they don't dress modestly guys will get all aroused up and then, who knows what sinny-sin will go down?!?! is the same thing as telling a (young) women that she deserves what she gets if a guy does something against her wishes.
Number 4 is a damnable lie, and by damnable I mean it in the strongest sense.

I haven't had a chastity talk in a while, but if I ever end up in another one, I am no longer staying quiet. I am going to stand up for the (young) women and I am going to place the burden of thoughts, deeds and actions squarely on the person that has those thoughts, deeds and actions.

I know I've been emphatic before on my blog, but this is perhaps the most emphatic entry I've ever posted. EMPHATIC.

The Dangers To Be Had When Naming Children

I mean, not that I personally have ever had this problem, except when I try to convince friends to name their daughter Vanessa Gretchen or Gretchen Vanessa. But during my intense Masters and Doctoral research of Harry Potter I have noticed some important naming patterns that I think must be taken into account.

For example, Remus John Lupin. He wasn't born a werewolf, as he was bitten by Fenrir Greyback in his childhood. But his parents were nuts for naming him Remus, it's like they were carving his fate in stone.

Also, Fenrir? Who names their son Fenrir? Psycho parents, obviously.

It's not hard to believe that Narcissa Black Malfoy's parents would name her such. They were huge snobs.

Her sister, Bellatrix? Their parents had some serious bellicose fantasies they wanted to live out through their daughter.

Their cousin, Sirius Black, is named after the dog star. His form as an animagus is like so unsurprising.

Dolores Umbridge has the most perfect name. She totes deserved it.

Mundugus Fletcher? Nasty name.

There's a nice ironic name, too: Bartemius. We don't know about Sr.'s dad. But I'm guessing he was an obnoxious, letter-of-the-law type of man that totally missed the point of life.

etc. etc. etc. I could continue the list due to my exhaustive research into the matter, but meh, I'm done.


Anyway, just be careful when you're naming your kids is all I'm saying.

A follow-up

I haven't posted in 4 months and now there's a twofer today.
I have an idea about a way to save money and apply it in a more useful way.

#1 Did you know that the US spends 5 times as much on the military budget ($711 billion) than its closest competitor (China at $143 billion)? Do you know how much of that is needless spending according to an old Cold War mentality? Yeah, billions.
So how about we only spend 4 times as much as China? Then we can use the rest of the money to help the soldiers that are coming back. We can give them job training. We can apply better funds to physical recovery. We can apply significantly more money to help soldiers recover mentally from the horrors they've seen. Maybe this way we can drastically cut back on the suicide/day rate that the military now has. We can apply money to stop the rampant sexual trauma that women--and not a few men--suffer in the military.
Could you imagine if we did that?

#2 (This is based off the previous post)
For people like the person that I mentioned that pay so very little in taxes yet have exorbitant wealth, how about we draw things a bit more close. This family friend of ours pays about 40% in overall taxes, referenced wealthy person pays 13.9% in federal on some of his money--not all of it--and pays maybe 1% or 2% more on some of his money for other state taxes. Considering his $250 million in overall wealth, and that he only pays taxes on some of it, makes you wonder. Anyway:
So how about we don't even make numbers match? How about we have this wealthy group of people pay their taxes, use their loop holes, pay state taxes, etc., AND THEN we have them pay up to 75% of what middle class America pays? So then these wealthy tax dodgers end up paying only 30% in overall taxes. And it's still less than my family friend.

Now with all of this money, we can easily afford things every year like money for education and teacher training, money for job creation, money for research to develop 21st century industries so that we can compete on a global scale like we used to back when this type of money was applied to research.


How about we start with these two ideas?
But, you know me, I'm just a 1980s Republican. Or, in modern parlance, a socialist.

All kinds of info

I ran across this website that has all kinds of amazingly interesting (and sometimes disheartening) information.
Here's one tidbit that was especially frustrating to me:

There's the average for the U.S. and Kansas is in the best position. Utah's in the absolute worst, and it's not even close.

The overall tax burden once everything's taken into account is rather fascinating as well.

There's a lot of other stuff on there that didn't get my dander up, but I thought I'd point out those two lovely bits of info.

WIMotW: Edict #3

When I'm Master of the World, my third declaration will be the healthy ceasing of cigarette smoking. We'll turn the area of the factories into reclaimed areas for after school learning and rec places where kids can explore their talents. All of the money whored up by the companies will become our funds for this process. Factory workers can be transitioned to different jobs created by the construction of the building.
I see this as a win-win-win-win for all involved. More wellness trips to the dr than the current alternative. Punishment would be tree or flower planting or something. Or maybe hugging trees... Something like that.
All's I know is that we gotta keep growing tobacco to help out those cows in some way.


Now, to make this WIMofW less boring, you should all want this.

A small-ish rant

because I can use my blog to complain about idiots on facebook.

It's stunning to see how many of my Mormon friends are madly in love with Ron Paul. If the U.S. had followed his cockamamie ideas of foreign policy, the Church would not have had access to make the inroads around the world in such a fast manner. We would not have the connections that we've had over the last 70 years.

A presence in Southeast Asia? not a chance
How about South Korea (and its temple)? not on your life
Official recognition in Romania (the only place in Eastern Europe)? not even. That was Sen. Reid's connection.
The list continues and continues.
Hundreds of thousands, if not millions of current members wouldn't have ever heard of the Church.


But hey, if you're in the mood for a return to a strongly patriarchal society that favors only upper middle class white males and sends us into civil non-rights with the repeal of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 (which Paul would repeal), vote for Ron Paul, he's a sexist, racist peach of a man hiding his beliefs under a banner of "liberty."

He's a prick.

Realization about prayer

Tonight I was talking with my friend, Terri, (well, if you can call 1am at IHOP "tonight") and
I had the realization about why prayer is so important. I think a lot of times we all think about prayer as a good way to chat with Heavenly Father and to remind Him about blessings that we're wanting. But really, perhaps even more importantly, we're reminded during those moment that we're communing with Divinity that we have divinity in our soul, that we are made with divine material. Perhaps this is why we're told to commune often, so that we don't forget our worth.

How to end a conversation

This is how it works on the facebooks:

You post something to your status.
A friend comments.
You comment back.
Banter ensues, back and forth, back and forth.
Then, friend merely "likes" your last comment.
Conversation has finished.

When you can be summed up

There was this little back and forth among the women of the family on FB and it ended up with the most succinct description of my essence, that I don't quite know what to think of being perfectly "summed up."

Families are too important for ...

Families are important; they are the backbone of any healthy society. (I imagine that the 4 people that read my blog would agree with me there.) I also feel that it's important to bring this to the forefront of many discussions about where we're taking our society.

I just wish that we could do this without moronic bunglings that make people who support strengthening the family a bunch of racist idiots that are filled with ignorant hate.

Here's the thing, broken homes exist across all races, in all countries, in all economic strata and whether or not the parents are married. Strong families exist across all races, in all countries, in all economic strata and whether or not the parents are married.



This is the reason why I'm so frustrated. Bear with me, because this sentence a current pledge that's making it's rounds in the upper echelons of our politcs is nasty:

Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA's first African-American President.

This is what drives me crazy, other than the basic stuff like letting black people know they just long for those slave days, it's not just one race that has broken homes. And what should the white people long for? How about people of Asian descent? Who would be dumb enough to sign it?


So how about this, to all you pledge makers out there, how about you quit making pledges, first of all, and, second, if you absolutely feel the dumb compulsion to, quit being racist prigs and making people who feel strongly about the importance of families look like self-righteous, hateful morons who don't know the real value of strong families, whatever their makeup may be.

The advantages of being behind a semi

Normally being stuck behind a semi or a tow truck or whatever can be undesirable. But I tell you what, it's the most desirable position to be in if you're queuing into one of those double-laned stop-light on-ramp thingies. "Why?" you may query, "for trucks are so slow getting their giddy up going." Yes. It is true. But not only is there a mass exodus of cars into the other lane because they don't want to get stuck behind the truck, but the semi takes the place of at least three, if not four, cars. Today, for example I moved up seven cars because of the mass-exodus + 4-car-length advantage.

Zoooooooom!


Also, here's another tidbit about me:

I'm not jumping in with these guys.

I think being a Mormon can sorta heighten one's senses concerning religious freedom. Maybe not, maybe I'm just weird. Perhaps all of the Sunday School classes about the saints in Missouri and Nauvoo are stuck on repeat in my brain.


So thought #1: There's been a subtle switch of phrasing over the last bit that is interesting. What once was Christian men set up a nation has turned into Men set up a Christian nation. One word switching place has had far-reaching repercussions. I tell you what, Christian men (with some very differing views) setting up a nation is what really happened and it's significantly safer to our religious freedom to think of it that way. Any other way is no bueno and dangerous and is false history.

Thought #2: There's an undertow of "not-in-our-nation" that is kinda the flip of "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion." Oklahoma, for example, passed a law banning Islamic or international law as a basis for decisions in courts. (This, thankfully, has a permanent injunction on it by a federal judge.) But what's really going on there is they're setting up an establishment of religion by piecemeal.

If you start defining what the US is or isn't by religion, especially as a means of exclusion, that's a religious test by default.


The reason why I think about this a bunch is because if this continues, Mormons are excluded. We like to think that we've made huge inroads, but if we allow people who are using religion as a weapon in elections to win and don't stand up for what the Constitution plainly says, we're in for a world of hurt. The people that do things like this do not love freedom of religion, they fear it.
Lots of Mormons like to walk hand in hand with socially/religiously conservative people thinking that they're in on the party. They're not, in the end, and they're going to find themselves out in the cold.




Whatever the reason, religious freedom has been on my brain for months and months and I wanted. throw a couple of half-formed ideas out into the blogosphere.

Not Wise in Someone's Eyes...

I saw this picture on CNN.com and thought that the scripture behind his head was sort of ironic because they're part of a group that claims to have a secret knowledge based on obscure numerology. I guess that by sharing this supposed great knowledge it takes down the irony by a notch--a small notch.