GenConf can be like magic

A few weeks back a friend wrote to me and included something that she heard a professor at the BYU say. It's OK to be mad at God just as long as you tell him about it. Since I'm still pretty much a confuzzled jumble of emotional hodge podge, nailing down what I feel is very hard. But yesterday I knew one thing for sure: I felt very abandoned. I think it's a lingering feeling that ebbs and flows in intensity. I'm pretty sure that feeling this is not only normal, but in a way a good thing, b/c it shows that I'm worth not being abandoned, if that makes any sense.
Because of the place(s) where I was molested and in the church setting and stuff, I have wondered why I was so abandoned and not protected. How could I not feel this way? It's normal and has nothing to do with faith or anything like that. The principal reason, I think, is that abused people are made to feel that way. One of the greatest weapons of an abuser is isolation.

All of these emotions rushed to the surface yesterday at around noon. During the first half an hour or so of the first session of Conference, I started to write down some of my feelings, some of which I'll share here:

I'd never thought about this before, but since I was baptized and confirmed with the Gift of the Holy Ghost, I was blessed to have him with me at all times. I was a good kid. I've never thought about it until just now, because it was so terrible and dark when {dirtbag} was hurting me, but my guess is that I was being protected somehow. I mean, I want to believe this. I think I'd almost like to see it somehow, so that I can feel almost retroactive protection or something. I guess it's that I felt so left to the dogs, that I want to know that I was important enough to be protected, even in some way that I couldn't feel at the time.

Then came Elder Shayne Bowen's talk and the rush of answers and probably nothing short of 3,500 tears:

I don't think the Lord would want me to punish myself for the abuse done by another. Thru prayer the Lord can give me a new heart--not because an old one is tarnished with sin, but one that can begin to see me for who I am. I will be able to look forward with hope and not back with despair.
The Lord will not leave me comfortless, but will come to me--succor me. He will send his Holy Spirit to guide me, comfort me, love me and protect me.

I am learning what my core is, even though it can be hard to believe that I am not worthless or that I deserve to be protected and loved. It's very confusing at times that so many people love me. At the same time it's comforting--but it still blows my mind.
Through therapy and the love of others, I'm essentially retraining my head and heart so that they know that I don't have to be isolated, that people actually want to be around me, that I am not a danger for other people. {Dirtbag} made me think that it was all my fault. That I wanted to be hurt and that I knew that I deserved it. I isolated to protect others from me.

But no more, because:
I am a good woman.
I am a kind woman.
I care deeply for others.
I am a loving woman.
I am not dangerous for others to be around.
I am good.