Hard Things

I realize that the last few posts, with the exception of the lightening bug post, have been about hard things, but successes mostly inasmuch as we can gauge this type of healing that way.
When I decided that it was time for me to start opening up about what I've been through, I had two main ideas in mind:
#1 Post so that other people know that they are not alone, so that they know that what they're feeling is normal and part of healing. AND that they're NOT bad people. That the crap we feel is normal.
#2 Post what I feel guided to post.

I've felt a lot of successes lately, during these last five weeks. I've felt a lot of sweet blessings from the Spirit and those around me. I've felt healing that I wasn't expecting to feel in ways that I didn't previously comprehend as possible. And through all of this I've had panic attacks. This is what this kind of healing is. This morning I knew that today I would be meeting with the stake president to get the final signature on my temple recommend--physical proof that I was worthy not only before God, but looking in the mirror I knew that I was worthy. And that was a really awesome realization.
Also, this morning when I was brushing my teeth I dry heaved. That's what this kind of healing is. I don't say this for sympathy or anything (although IT SUCKS), I say this because it is what it is. The good days and bad are intertwined. The fact that I'm having panic attacks is normal and is actually a good thing, I guess. Well, that's what my therapist says. It is what it is, and I hate them and hate having them. They suck and are terrible. They wake me up in the night with my body cramping. They happen outta nowhere in a French phonetics course. It is what it is. And this is my new normal. This is my healing.

The reason why I'm writing about this is because I want to share something that I remembered over the last couple of days:

That Sunday after I first met with my bishop, I asked what I needed to do to get a temple recommend and he said, "Just start coming to church." I realized that same Sunday that I was totally freaked out by the idea of getting a temple recommend by the end of the month, because I knew that would be the possibility if I started going every Sunday. So I was chatting with Heavenly Father about it. I flat-out asked him if it was even possible for me to do this after a few weeks, to be able to deal with so many things. I remember distinctly the words, "It is possible. It will be hard, but it is possible." Then I asked again, "Can I even do it?" I remember feeling that Heavenly Father knew that I could, but that it was OK if it didn't do it in a one-month turnaround, that He was happy that I was working toward it.
I just went about my month and didn't think tons on that conversation until a couple of days ago when I realized that I had done it.

I can do hard things.

Heavenly Father knows that we can do hard things.