Causative

A week ago I was driving to school and I was suddenly hit with a flashback. It wasn't the type of flashback where your brain goes back and you don't know where you really are. It was just a physical sensation, pain and "stuff," that hit me. I didn't know what to do. I had to give a test in 20 minutes. Then I had a class, then more teaching. THEN I had give a presentation in Spanish. My day couldn't be over until after 6pm.

I had no choice but to continue on. The yucky feeling, the more-or-less physical takeover of my body continued into Friday. I did it all. I taught. I paid attention in class. I helped students. I gave a presentation in Spanish. Well, in Portuñolglish.

The feeling of a kind of helplessness continued thru Monday, not the flashback feelings, but the idea that I'd never be truly free from the effects of all the abuse.

So finally at my wits' end, during my office hours on Monday, I started writing everything out: the way I felt, my anger, my helplessness. The I put my head down on my desk and thought. I needed to somehow regain my power, b/c I hadn't been able to figure it out for days.

I thought back on an ancient Hebrew verb conjugation, b/c of course I did. I've already mentioned this particular verb conjugation, but like 5 years ago. Holy cow, my blog is old. 

Anyway, I thought of the causative conjugation and I am, like from the Bible, the Great I AM. What was really said in the Hebrew is I exist, so everything else exists. God's existence causes any other existence to be possible.

So I asked myself what my causative I am would be, because in that moment I realized that we all have a causative conjugation of our I am, maybe we just don't realize it. It's not blasphemous, it's just the way things are. This is what I learned when I lifted my head and began to write:

I am. Not the banal English version, but the Hebrew causative one. I am. Because I exist--because of WHO I am--I continue on. I am and so I continue to be. I am and so I go thru another day--even if it's a living Hell. I am and so I turn toward the eventuality of my greatness. I am and so I fight. I am and so I read and learn. I am and so I love. I am and so I will always be.