Brain Ants

When I was like five or six I wanted to know how my brain worked, like how different scenes and memories would go through my mind. I couldn’t figure out the mechanism of it all. So I concocted this theory that involved something akin to ants. Brain ants.

A couple of them would scurry across my brain, holding up a a screen, kinda like a movie screen. These ants were quadrupedal instead of hexapedal, like normal ants. Reason being that they had to hold up the screen with their front two legs--well, arms.This obviously happened tons during even just one minute. I have a lot of brain ants.

But looking back, I think I had meta brain ants. When I came up with this idea, I pictured the ants working, doing their thing. Woah.

New Poll: Tribble Version

Now that I have my tribble slippers, I'm curious about how many progeny they will have by March 1. What do the +/- 4 readers of my blog think?

Aura: yellow, but sometimes purple

I generally have really awesome students. On Tuesday one of my students stayed after to get help with adjectives and adverbs. After we were done talking he started to walk out of the classroom, but paused, turned to me and said, "I can see faint auras in people. Usually you are yellow. Today you're purple, though." So I asked him what yellow meant. He said that it means that I'm a good teacher. Purple apparently means that I'm seeking for truth and knowledge. He then said that purple and indigo settle into blue when someone has found the truths they were looking for.

I don't believe in auras or anything, but I love that he sees those things in me. It made my day.

I think my pouting is valid

If you find out that a guy that you not only harbored a crush for, but had kinda fallen in love with, has gotten engaged, I think pouting is not only allowed, it the prescribed course of action. hmmmmmph.

Good thing my sister gave me an early birthday present: TRIBBLE SLIPPERS!!!!

Causative

A week ago I was driving to school and I was suddenly hit with a flashback. It wasn't the type of flashback where your brain goes back and you don't know where you really are. It was just a physical sensation, pain and "stuff," that hit me. I didn't know what to do. I had to give a test in 20 minutes. Then I had a class, then more teaching. THEN I had give a presentation in Spanish. My day couldn't be over until after 6pm.

I had no choice but to continue on. The yucky feeling, the more-or-less physical takeover of my body continued into Friday. I did it all. I taught. I paid attention in class. I helped students. I gave a presentation in Spanish. Well, in Portuñolglish.

The feeling of a kind of helplessness continued thru Monday, not the flashback feelings, but the idea that I'd never be truly free from the effects of all the abuse.

So finally at my wits' end, during my office hours on Monday, I started writing everything out: the way I felt, my anger, my helplessness. The I put my head down on my desk and thought. I needed to somehow regain my power, b/c I hadn't been able to figure it out for days.

I thought back on an ancient Hebrew verb conjugation, b/c of course I did. I've already mentioned this particular verb conjugation, but like 5 years ago. Holy cow, my blog is old. 

Anyway, I thought of the causative conjugation and I am, like from the Bible, the Great I AM. What was really said in the Hebrew is I exist, so everything else exists. God's existence causes any other existence to be possible.

So I asked myself what my causative I am would be, because in that moment I realized that we all have a causative conjugation of our I am, maybe we just don't realize it. It's not blasphemous, it's just the way things are. This is what I learned when I lifted my head and began to write:

I am. Not the banal English version, but the Hebrew causative one. I am. Because I exist--because of WHO I am--I continue on. I am and so I continue to be. I am and so I go thru another day--even if it's a living Hell. I am and so I turn toward the eventuality of my greatness. I am and so I fight. I am and so I read and learn. I am and so I love. I am and so I will always be.

Poll!

About whether you prefer sesame beef or chicken.

I know it's weird, but I'm curious about what people prefer.

Some days I'm all

hmmmph

I thought that I'd moved beyond or away from flashbacks and the horrible sensations that come with them. Apparently not. I'm hoping it's just a "not yet," that there is a way to be all healed up in this regard, because they're pretty much the shittiest thing I can think of currently.




I have a stuffed gorilla named Alice that a couple of friends gave me years and years ago when I went thru a week where there were two deaths. I still sleep some nights with her in my arms, pulled tightly toward me. Here's to hoping that she can work some more magic tonight. Because I'm done. Just done.