Suprised that I feel like

I'm not gonna lie, I'm really surprised that I feel like I should share this. I don't quite know how to present it, so I'm hoping it's not too disjointed. This post will probably end up touching on a lot of different topics that I've mentioned before on my blog and on Facebook.

I've had a few realizations and paradigm shifts in the last while that have really changed the way I view my body, myself and the topic of modesty. If you've seen my posts on facebook and the links I've shared, my opinions on modesty are obviously strong. I've decided to describe at least part of the reason why, and I'm not gonna hold back.

When I was a teenager I wore lots of baggy clothing. Part of the reason why is that it was lazily comfortable. Another reason is that I was ashamed of my body. I felt awkward (I mean, what teenager doesn't). But my breasts weren't small and they weren't huge, but I didn't like them b/c maybe attention could be drawn to them. They were sexual and we were supposed to cover that up. With this comes the whole hogwash of "Sisters help the brothers," and all of that nonsense. My body was daily betraying me, so I wore shirts two sizes too big. I didn't understand how to be feminine and I thought that if I were too feminine it'd be sinful anyway.

When I went on my mission at age 21 it was the first time that I got a wardrobe that was more form fitting. It's kinda hard to get away from that as a missionary that's supposed to look representable. No more XL t-shirts and baggy jeans and khakis.

If you've read my blog since last September, you know that my mission trainer molested me. Part of her grooming involved making fun of my breasts, focusing on them. She was a woman, so it didn't compute that it could be a "bad" thing. She'd reword hymns in Portuguese to make fun of them. She'd tell me that Brazilian men wouldn't be interested in them b/c they were all about the butt. She was fascinated by them and it was one of her main focuses in the abuse.

The reason why I explained all of that is that it'll make sense when I say that if I hated my breasts and body before my mission, it was nothing compared to after. If only I'd had a smaller chest, she wouldn't have been interested. It was my fault. My stupid breasts. Without being fully aware of what I was doing and certainly not understanding why, I started physically harming my breasts. I don't know when it started. It was sometime in the middle of the last decade I think. But I have some scars. sometimes what I did wouldn't leave scars b/c I never went very deep, but sometimes scars were inevitable. I even have scars from where my sensitive skin reacted to the bandaids that I was using to help the wounds heal.

I have scars in a couple of other places where she would commonly molest me, as well, and I particularly hated those parts of my body, too. None of this is visible no matter what clothing I wear. But the hatred and disgust for these parts of my body didn't hold a candle to the animus that I felt for my breasts.

I had been taught proper shame for my body by society, school and religion. Well--not the proper way my religion should be taught, but the cultural way things were passed on.

Years ago I had a roommate that told me that I should wear V-necks. At first I was terrified b/c what if I showed off too much? Terrible things had already happened. But she was like, "You'll look great in them!" I trusted her. I now have a multitude of V-necks because I gained confidence in my body thru her confidence in my body.

Obviously things really tanked a couple of Novembers ago when I realized what had happened to me. My utterly disgusting, revolting body, breasts. Being a feminine woman is part of my problem. I shouldn't be. I should hide myself.

Scottie gave me a blessing two Christmases ago that I call my second patriarchal blessing. In it I was told to glory in my womanhood, to essentially not be afraid of it and I was like, I don't get that at all. o_O

I do now. The more I've healed emotionally, the more I've healed physically. Sometimes I dress more feminine now b/c I like it. It's part of me. Sometimes I wear cargo shorts and a t-shirt and a ball cap b/c that's me, too. I wear makeup. I experiment with it. I am utterly NOT ashamed of my décolletage. I wear clothes that emphasize my cleavage and other attributes of my body.

So what changed? I love my body. My body isn't something to be ashamed of. It isn't something I should cover for the sake of others. It isn't the reason why I was molested.

Yesterday on facebook a good friend asked me what my personal definition of modesty was. I thought for a sec and this is what I wrote:

How would I personally define modesty? hmmm, well, first I need to say that it's taken me a while to really understand it and the biggest step was learning to love my body the way it is. I'm pretty normal body-wise and I'm actually really grateful for that. The second step in my understanding was to not be afraid or ashamed of being feminine. I know that this isn't a step for everyone, but it is/was for me. In this regard I realized that wearing clothing that accentuated my features wasn't immodest, but was simply flattering. Wearing clothing that emphasized my décolletage wasn't immodest. I was confusing a shame of my feminine body parts with modesty.

So I would say that I now understand modesty to be a person wearing clothes with no shame of their body. I naturally would cover my body with more fabric than someone else would, b/c that's me. But that doesn't make me more "modest."

 I think modesty at its strongest and most essential is about self appreciation and love.

I know that this post is long and I covered some rough stuff in my life. But these realizations are so important to me. Once I realized what I was doing to my breasts and body, attacking it, and why I was doing it, I began to heal. I haven't gouged my breasts or hurt them in any way in four or five months. It's the longest stretch, I think, since it started happening. I'm not saying that I'm magically cured, because things like this can be cyclical. But I feel better.

On Monday Therapist asked me about my body and I told her that I loved it, even with the scars. The scars now show me how far I've come.
I truly do love my body.

The all-encompassing happiness dream

It's an established fact that my dreams can be crazy (and awesome). Last night's was what I'm going to call the All-encompassing Happiness Dream.
I'll give a brief rundown of what made an appearance:

1. I was back on the mission, but I didn't always have to wear a skirt and I could be alone sometimes.
2. I could fly--in fact I was all over the loop-de-loops.
3. I was surrounded by high school and grad school friends.
4. Cousins were also there.
5. Angela Weech had found a great sushi spot and so I went to meet her and Shelton. We stuffed ourselves with traditional sushi and fusion sushi. There was also this great sushi dessert that involved honey. Huh.
6. Brazil.

After pondering on it, I've decided this was actually a dream about Paradise and the Spirit World.

captcha

Since I mentioned one sister in my last entry, I thought I'd give a shout-out in this one showing the captcha that I got asked for today in facebook:

Betsy: HEEE-EEEYYY!!!

NKOTB, justification and libertarians

Back in the summer of '91 or '92, my mom and us kids went to Logan to visit some of the old family friends from their college days. We hadn't seen each other in a while, so we were getting reacquainted. I had just found out that the oldest son (like 1 year older than me, so 13 or 14) had just gone to a New Kids on the Block concert. I retorted with something like, "You like them?" And he fumbled a bit and said, "Well, you know, Perfect Gentlemen were opening..."
His mom interrupted and said, "You don't have to justify yourself." She was pretty mad at how I'd acted. I, however, was pretty sure that my contempt was justified, I mean, I had learned only months earlier that my love of New Kids was completely uncool and that I shouldn't wear that shirt of theirs that I owned. I felt that my enlightenment and forced despite of their music allowed me to feel superior. BTW, Donnie was my fave.
Hah! What a hypocrite I was.

I've thought about that a lot and how whatever his name was didn't have to justify himself at all, and how out of line I was.
And recently I've been thinking about how I often justify my political beliefs to people b/c my temple recommend status is questioned, or my faithfulness to God or the gospel is supposedly in doubt because I'm a registered democrat. Or if someone says that I'm just a democrat because I wanna be different, as if I didn't have a head on my shoulders and were that flippant.
I'm done justifying myself. Giving reasons is one thing. But I'm done justifying myself.


Also, an interesting tidbit that I've been thinking of lately:

A lot of Utah Valley Mormons talk like Libertarians, expect things that a democratic government would offer, yet rail against big government, and vote like Republicans.
I've noticed this over the last couple of years.

So, yes, an experience with NKOTB led me realize that I don't have to politically justify myself to people.

5K

Last weekend was the 5K. Of course it was. It was the 3rd weekend of May.
It was a lot of fun, as always. The one thing that I'm going to share from the weekend? The, uh, scripture mistake from church:

2 Nephi 2:27
Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose fertility and death ...

At this point the kid speaking stopped himself and said, "Uh, that was a mistake. I mean captivity."

Where'd that even come from?

True to the what?

I don't mean to be totally irreverent, but sometimes there are hymns that make me laugh. Okay, not the hymns per se, but the events surrounding them. (usually, In Our Lovely Deseret anyone?)
A few years back, one of our favorite 73rd ward members was conducting the closing hymn for RS, True to the Faith. You know the pattern for the hymn is No! No! Yes! Yes! right before the chorus? Well, right after the second verse, all of a sudden, there was this loud Yes! from the front of the room:
While we know the pow'rs of darkness
Seek to thwart the work of God,
Shall the children of the promise
Cease to grasp the iron rod? Yes!

I lost it, I could not regain control of my laughter thru the rest of the hymn. Heather, near the end of the final chorus, tried desperately to get me to behave and calm down. But there was no doing. I shook with laughter thru the prayer.
It's a good thing that I can laugh silently.
(Do you think that this story could go into that someone's book someday?)

It's like this hymn stalks me. At my seminary graduation, the organist pulled out all of the stops and blasted the chord for the NO! and scared us all to death.


Speaking of making people laugh during RS, a few years back, when Bepa was the Relief Society Princess, her birthday fell on a Sunday, so we took a present to church. I told her that she had to pass it around with the roll. The problem was that she also had to teach the lesson that day and had suffer thru watching every girl looking quizzically at the pen, shrug her shoulders, sign her name, and pass along the pen.
I was at the back of the room that day--again laughing silently. Good thing Bepa's a good sport.


And, really, it's all about the youtube videos for this post:

Moldova liberă

Ever since like 2nd grade (I was weird), I've had this odd fascination with the Soviet republics--now countries. This interest was fomented recently when I had a roommate from Moldova. I told her that I'd use a pseudonym in the post to protect her identity, so we're gonna call her Queen Latifah.
Anyway, the elections in Moldova were a couple of weeks back and the Communist president didn't want to give up his term-limited position, so they stuffed the ballots using the names of 300,000 dead people. Thus Vladimir Voronin remains president. His name would be Vladimir.

There've been peaceful protests, even though the government has been sending goons in to try to start riots, and Russia is trying desperately to spread lies about the situation.

The crazy thing about all of this? The protests have been organized in large part by using Twitter. If you search PMAN, you'll find all of these links about the situation. The gov't cut off Facebook access in the country because they were using that, too.

I don't know how it's going to end, but hopefully with a legal, democratic government.
Queen Latifah tells me stories of the protests and gives me updates. It's a crazy, uphill battle, but I think it's amazing what the protesters are doing and what they're risking.


And as a crazy sidenote, if Spanish Fork were in Moldova, it'd be the 7th or 8th largest city in the nation.

It came from the Google Reader

My RSS feeds today were especially peachy.

Frau Magister wrote a wonderful post during today's madrugada. Those of you that read anything for any particular reason will enjoy what she's written. She's written some excellent entries before, this particular one is an opus magnum.

Conan is so darn funny sometimes.

Celebrating the day I was baptized.

Probably a better review than mine.

Double Frost.

Saving Dying Languages.

And a nice quote from Mark Twain popped up.
(Click on the thing to make it more clear. Don't know why it's being so stupid here.)It reminded me of something that I heard on the Doug Wright Show on KSL one day as I was driving into work, "When someone comes over to your side, he's a patriot. When he leaves your side and goes to the other, he's a traitor." It was a very good point. Maybe we're not as correct as we think we are.

I'm back

Anna-Lisa and Juan Carlos are totally married:

It was a great day. There were TONS of tears around the sealing room. The ceremony was really beautiful.
There are more pictures floating around, but I don't have any because my camera is pretty dead. But as soon as i get pictures from other people, I'll probably post them, too.
See Anna-Lisa's brother on the left? He'd gotten back from his mission at 10:30 the night before the 9am wedding. He was pretty wired.


One of the excellent things about this wedding was the fact that I got to hang out with friends, especially those I don't get to see as often, like Em, Lori, Angela and Shelton. A large portion of the weekend was spent laughing.
The Emilys and I also made a border run on Friday to Tijuana, where I finally got up the courage to barter in Spanish.
Unlike the last time crossing the Mexican to U.S. border, I did not make a stupid mistake when the agent asked me if I'd bought anything to bring over. When I crossed from Juárez I said that I was bring "Coke" with me. Ack! Coca-Cola. Man, that was dumb.
Oh, and you can't tell from the picture, but I got a nice sunburn.
Yo estaba tan jot así.


In between the wedding and the reception later that night the EmilyX2 and I went to Solana Beach. The waves breaking were a lot louder than any beach I remember visiting. Brasil was not surprisingly calmer than California.


Emily T looked for pretty rocks and seashells to take home to remember the beach. Emily D looked at the rocks and quietly admired the view. I threw the rocks as far back into the ocean as I could and gleefully popped the kelp bubbles.
I think what we did at the beach might be a perfect example of our personalities.

Things I might wear to Anna-Lisa's wedding

She is getting married on Flag Day, you know, (although I think she decided on this day as an homage to my MTC date). So I thought that I should probably come up with a fitting dress for the occasion.
Although I'd like to point out that the 2nd one is being sold as a wedding dress. I don't think I'll go with that one as I don't want to upstage the bride.
But then I got thinking that since she's living in the South now...
On second thought, I hate the confederate flag, so I think I'll pass on that one, too.
So I'm still stuck in my conundrum: what to wear?

I don't know which one to pick.
But I did find a beautiful bouquet for A-L:
Speaking of the day I entered the MTC:
*L2R, back row: Melissa Thomas, Julie Rae
*L2R, middle row: Cousin Andrea, Me, Melissa Schlegel, Jess Hess, Desiree Kidman (soon-to-be) Preston, Steve Preston, Natalie Thomas (now Oldham)
*L2R, crouching: Laurel, Scottie

And a random picture and comic, just for good measure:

Domesticity

I've been away from blogging for a bit, partially because I've been so busy doing things that are perhaps perceived as out of my character. Well, I don't know about that, but it might be shocking the things that I've created. I've taken pictures for the proof.
For Mother's Day, I decided to make a cape for my mom. She had quipped something about a super-hero cape hidden in her closet, lilac colored, a few Sundays before Mom's Day, so I decided to make one for her. I had to enlist Newt's sewing knowledge and her sewing machine, but I made quite the cape for my mom, who went by Crae (see-ray) as a kid and still does sometimes to this day:



















Then, for Mother's Day dinner, I decided to make a recipe that I'd briefly seen on the Food Network: Couscous Stuffed Chicken Breast with Feta, Sun-Dried Tomatoes and Kalamata Olives. Truth be told, I didn't use the wine, but freshly-squeezed tangelo juice, orange juice and lemon juice, and I got rid of the olives (blech). But it was darn tasty. I actually like to cook and would do it more if I had the time and the patience. I never cooked before my mission, but realized while down there that I'd better learn how so that I could make all of the things that I'd miss. My mom was so shocked by my cooking after my mission, that in the Christmas letter that she sent out to everyone after I'd returned from Brazil said only about me: "Vanessa's home from her mission. It's great to have her back. She cooks now."
That's all that it said about me after serving my mission. I guess that's how big of deal my cooking was.
Anyway, here's the picture of what I made my mom for dinner:

*Notice the sautéed zucchini and tomato at the right. That's was Emily's idea.
**Shout-out to Scottie for his help in making the dinner.
***Laurel, don't you wish you'd been there for this meal?

Then, in the middle of this fit of domesticity, I made a quilt for Megan Snoderly Jackson's baby shower. It was cute and pink:

Sorry that I don't have a better picture, but you get the idea.

So there you have it. Sometimes I surprise myself with my endeavors. I think my 15-year-old self simply wouldn't believe what I've been up to lately, claiming that I'd staged a nutty. It's funny how things change, eh?

Different Name

So a while back Emily and I were discussing what our names would be if we didn't have the names that we've got. I don't mean nicknames or anything, like Venom or Van or Sessa, but a totally different name, like Joanne or Mildred. We weren't terribly successful.
I'm too used to my being Vanessa. Maybe some of you have some ideas, or at least passable ideas at what my name could be if not Vanessa.
I'll post some pictures that you can use to muse over while coming up with some possible different names for me.















**What about Emily?
***Unfortunately your name ideas will not but used in any future name changing on my part, I like Vanessa, but it's sorta funny to think of yourself in a different light, eh?

A spy internacionale

I'm pretty sure that my roommate's an international spy.
She keeps the oddest hours and they're never--never--consistent. She comes home at all hours of the night. Sometimes she stops by during the day. It's really impossible to tell when she's going to be in OM #331.
Another thing about her stays at the apartment, not only are they brief, but they're also rare. We can go for days without seeing or hearing from her. I think the most I ever went was 8 days, maybe longer. What was she doing during those days when she never appeared home? She's supposedly going to English classes at BYU's ELC. How can she just miss a week's class at a time? What's she doing during these long forays away from Provo? Hmmmm...fishy.
In the early morning hours I can hear her talking in Korean. Who is she talking to at 3am? Her family? Maybe. But I think she's actually talking to her contacts at the Agency for National Security Planning, or the KCIA, as it's often called.

I'm keeping my eye out for any possible hints or signs that she's going to start a subversive takeover of Provo city's gov't. ---Which could be a good idea??

Aloha Cake and the Perpetuation of a Falsehood in Mormondom

Today at church a myth was perpetuated, via an Aloha Cake (BTS Cake). It was like the one about the piece of wood and the nail? How when we sin, it's like nailing into the wood? We're the 2X4 and our sins are nails? Well, as the story goes, when we repent, it's like removing the nails/sins from the wood/us. Then the Savior's atonement is like putty, filling in the holes and making us nice an flat again. So we're an old piece of wood, covered and flat, but still old and pock marked.

Today's analogy involved a chocolate sheet cake that was stabbed with the end of a wooden spoon, to represent how our sins can tear us up. Then we try to cover things up in our own way with things like sweetened condensed milk and caramel sauce, but still you can see our sins, or something. But then the atonement comes in like light whipping cream, and covers it all up. But the cake is still beat up underneath, dadgummit!!

It's not true!!!!! When we repent, you can't see these old remnants of sin because we're made anew!! We get a totally new piece of wood, to continue the unfortunate analogy. We're not the same, stabbed cake, but a totally new one, no stabs in it, completely pure and ready to go. That's how the atonement works. When you teach the atonement as something that brings a newness of life, it's much more empowering:
"Knowing this, that our ^aold man is crucified with him, that the ^bbody of sin might be ^cdestroyed, that henceforth we should not serve ^dsin." (Romans 6:6)

Sorry if that was a soapbox moment, but I think the atonement is much more powerful and purifying than some putty or whipping cream, allowing us to walk in "newness of life" (Romans 6:4), because that's what baptism is, the renewal of our covenants at the sacrament, as well as the repentance process. We are very literally new, whole and complete.

I'm off my soapbox now.


And I'd rather have Gretchen's strawberry pie than Aloha Cake any day, anyway.

Meet Macey the Baramobile

Last Saturday was a great day for me. I got my new car: a 2002 Mazda Protegé. She's a beauty.



Here's a nice picture of her for you to enjoy. She's nice and silver. Most importantly she's not white. And second most importantly she's not an ugly, tricked-out yellow. Man, that's was like the worst test drive ever, that yellow car.

And here's a picture from the sun roof looking down. mmmmm sun roof
Also, notice the stick shift. That was another must. I love stick shifts.




And here's Macey's backside. Those would be some lovely tinted windows, a nice perk that the previous owner added.




Some of you might be wondering about her name. Well Anah and I used to hop into Libby and go to Macey's and get food to experiment with. Well Anah's pregnant and upon Libby's demise, she suggested to Terry that they name the baby some variation of Macey Libby (Elizabeth). Well Terry was so persnickety about the idea, "Anah! We're not naming our baby after a grocery store and a car!" I told Anah that my next car would be Macey.
The whole Baramobile thing is Emily's doing. She really shouldn't suggest such things, I'll do them. It's just for the time being, the whole Baramobile thing. But it comes from this.

Anywho, welcome to my world, Macey. You're the bomb.

my roommate thinks she's so funny.

Yes, that's a chocolate fish. I wasn't expecting it, so I had a little episode when I first saw it. But I'm obviously doing alright now.

President Hinckley

What can you say? I can think of so many things but some how I can't really come up with anything either. I'm happy that he's with his wife again, because I know he missed her so much. But he's going to be so greatly missed. He was wonderful, absolutely amazing.

I remember the October conference from 1997. The only conference session I've ever been to was the one where he challenged Elder Nelson to a duel. Elder Nelson had just given a talk about how President Hinckley was an wonderful example of our Saviour. After he was done, President, who was conducting, got up and said, "We don't tell the speakers what to talk about; we let the Spirit guide them. But, Elder Nelson, you have taken a grave liberty. I challenge you to a duel in the basement of the Tabernacle after this session of conference." We laughed so hard! Then Elder Monson got up and said, before entering into his talk, "President Hinckley: I'll be your second."
After President Monson was finished talking, President Hinckley rose to end the session. He looked very contrite and said, "Elder Nelson, since I last spoke I want you to know that I have repented."

Then there's this.

Just before the Campinas temple dedication on 17 May, 2002, President Hinckley traveled to Brazil with a couple of members of the Twelve. President Packer was talking with a few leaders and the former president of the Campinas mission, who had been released the year before. Chuckling, and just loud enough for President Hinckley to hear from behind him, President Packer said, "President Hinckley is so excited for the Nauvoo Temple dedication that he's like a boy on Christmas Eve." At that, President Hinckley turned toward him and said, "Boyd, you know it's just because Joseph promised to be there."

And you know how he'd wave his hand when he was making a point? Kathy does the same thing, and for a long time when she would do it, I'd be reminded of the Prophet. But she did it so much that when I saw President Hinckley do it, I would think of Kathy. She thought that was a little bit misguided.

There are so many stories that we could tell. And I think that we should because I love hearing them. So friends...tell me your stories.

scandalous questions

On Thursday night we had an activity with our ward where some "life experts" came and answered questions that we had, like normal dating stuff and how to prepare ourselves for our lives and stuff. It was a fun night, but in preparation Emily and I came up with some possible questions to grandiose problems. I thought I'd give you a sampling:

I shower daily, but I still have an unpleasant body odor. I think this is why I'm not married. What can I do?

How can I reconcile my belief in Kabbalah and its mystical control of my destiny with my belief in the LDS faith?

Cannibalism. Why not?

What if it didn't stay in Vegas?

How can I overcome my addiction to streaking in crowded places?

I have nightmares about Jupiter. How can I overcome them? I've had them for 20 years!

My roommate chases me around with fish and shrimp, throwing them at me. What can I do for retribution?

How do you deal with a crush on a made-up personality like Danny Concannon, I mean it's not like I can break up with him or anything.

Hodge Podge #3

In a continuing tradition, I present a random accounting of events and thoughts of the last little bit.

I almost died today. Okay, not really. It snowed a lot over night, and the snowfall is dissipating right now, but we've got something like 6 or 7 or 8 inches. My car was buried under snow and it was a little hard to get out of the parking spot. (For an example, watch here, notice the plate is from Maryland, and you might want to watch it with the volume down, as there's some language...) As I was driving back from UVSC, I had to stop at a red light on State Street, but there was too much slush, so I started to skid sideways into the stop. I corrected myself and then started to skid the other sideways into the stop. Then I straightened out and stopped just fine, right before the double white lines: perfect.

Speaking of skidding, Becky used to be a driving instructor. She does this funny keep-your-car-straight-while-you-skid thing. I wish I had a video of it.

Speaking of Becky, we went bowling Monday night. It was me, Emily, Becky and her friend Shaunae. The first round was exciting and filled with very creative gutter shots, the most exciting of the night being Becky's last one that's rather inexplicable. But as soon as Becky and Shaunae had to leave, Em and I got serious. I'm not the world's best bowler, but I like throwing things--a lot. So I hurtled that blue ball down the lane and got 3 strikes in a row. It was like a baseball game.

Speaking of Em, last night we had sharing time, sorta, while we watched the New Hampshire primary. We like to come up with exciting things to do to celebrate the caucuses and primaries.

So, although I'm quite the democrat, I find myself rooting for Mitt Romney. I want people to vote or not vote for him based on what he says and what his platform is. I think his loss in Iowa was a lot of Huckabee playing the Mormons-aren't-Christians card. We're not voting for a Pastor in Chief, although I think that's what Huckabee's running for. But my rooting for Mitt is sorta funny, and I don't get it. I know who I'm voting for. Mitt could do a lot better, though, if he'd just stick to what he's good at, and not try to be other people.

Senator Obama is an amazing public speaker. I was telling Em how I don't know of any speaker since 1968 to have this kind of ability. 1968 was the year that Martin Luther King, Jr. and Robert F. Kennedy were assassinated. The night of King's assassination was a terrible one in our country. Senator Kennedy was in Indianapolis campaigning when he got the news and then had to tell the crowd about the death of Dr. King. There are a couple of videos online of this speech. One is just a short clip of the beginning of the speech; the other is a large section of it, but then has clips of RFK's assassination at the end. But I want to post the whole speech because it is amazingly powerful and shows the hopeful vision of RFK.

I love Iowa. WAHOOOOO!!!!!

Yay!!!
We had a caucus party tonight (me, Emily, Anna-Lisa, JC, Andy, David, and Lilia) and it was great. Obama won with 38%, 8% more than Edwards and 9% more than Clinton. Tonight was a very happy night. Man, I'm tired from all of this excitement. I'm gonna go to bed.
You guys have a great night. I'm gonna be having some good dreams tonight.