Ever learning-ish

2 Tim 3:7
This post will be a bit stream of consciousness-y because I don't have fixed ideas totally yet.

My Philosophy of Language class always sends me off on some kind of reverie of thought for at least 15 minutes every Monday. This is where I went today:

Therapist mentioned last week that I'm so analytical that I have to understand something before I can trust anything at all about it, including emotions or whatever else it means for me. This can be useful and not so great all at once.

There's a verse in 2 Timothy 3:7 that has eaten at me for years. I've been concerned for a long time that it's describing my brain and my faith. "Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth." And in verse 8, do I resist truth? I think part of this goes back to my post on healing about how I was inactive b/c I was lazy or something.

So here's what I maybe learned today, or at least had reinforced today.

Maybe my faith "problems" are really just a fear of my own ability to do right--all based around the idea that if I'd simply done right, I wouldn't have been hurt. Only I was doing my very best and others were bent on hurting me to get their perverse jones. The idea does still haunt me that "if only I hadn't been so weak..." I still feel this. But I was trained to be weak or at least to feel weak.

But on the other hand, I have fought thru this--I've shown my inner strength. I've fought to be myself even in the face of a couple of other people trying to control my soul and destiny. These people tried to rework my insides for their own purposes. Yet I am who I am and not what they wanted me to be.

So imagine my surprise when I realized that this shows my faith in myself and the idea of me--no matter the horrid manipulations and frankly wicked attempts of others. I believe that this is my faith in God, but it also necessarily is a conviction about (a previously unrecognized) faith in myself. A faith that I know that I can be ok someday.

If I didn't think that I could do this--survive successfully--I wouldn't be pushing forward and I'd leave myself in a swirl of pain, which, let's not kid ourselves, I still often feel myself stuck in. I'd continue to believe that I deserved what I got.

So I'm guessing that I don't really understand 2 Tim 3:7 at all. I think part of the trick is found in D&C 8 where you have to understand in your head and heart. I'm afraid to feel b/c I've been big-time hurt repeatedly to the point where even being around people that love and care for me, it's pain. Being loved hurts. It hurts a lot. I also know that it's healing me.

To quote the Fresh Prince, my life is being flipped-turned upside down.

The Dangers To Be Had When Naming Children

I mean, not that I personally have ever had this problem, except when I try to convince friends to name their daughter Vanessa Gretchen or Gretchen Vanessa. But during my intense Masters and Doctoral research of Harry Potter I have noticed some important naming patterns that I think must be taken into account.

For example, Remus John Lupin. He wasn't born a werewolf, as he was bitten by Fenrir Greyback in his childhood. But his parents were nuts for naming him Remus, it's like they were carving his fate in stone.

Also, Fenrir? Who names their son Fenrir? Psycho parents, obviously.

It's not hard to believe that Narcissa Black Malfoy's parents would name her such. They were huge snobs.

Her sister, Bellatrix? Their parents had some serious bellicose fantasies they wanted to live out through their daughter.

Their cousin, Sirius Black, is named after the dog star. His form as an animagus is like so unsurprising.

Dolores Umbridge has the most perfect name. She totes deserved it.

Mundugus Fletcher? Nasty name.

There's a nice ironic name, too: Bartemius. We don't know about Sr.'s dad. But I'm guessing he was an obnoxious, letter-of-the-law type of man that totally missed the point of life.

etc. etc. etc. I could continue the list due to my exhaustive research into the matter, but meh, I'm done.


Anyway, just be careful when you're naming your kids is all I'm saying.

New Title

As I'm working thru some hard homework stuff, I thought I'd remind myself of why I'm actually doing a PhD. It's so that I can make my future students address me using an awesome honorific. I've tweaked mine again, and I think I'm liking this new version of my future title:
A Gloriosa Doutora Vanessa das Belas Artes e Supernas Letras
aka
Glorious Doctor Vanessa of the Beautiful Arts and Supernal Letters

I'm now feeling better about keepin' on keepin' on.
To megalomania and beyond!!!!!

Life is kinda funny

The B-52s got stuck in my head today and I had this realization. At the beginning of the song they sing about the Atlanta Highway. I've sung along with that lyric for quite literally 20 years. I now live .5 miles from the Atlanta Highway. Life's kind of a goofy thing how it all plays out.

At :18 in the song:

Zee Mission Revisited

If you go to lunch with a Mormon and ask the question, "Why are there so many Christian churches?" you're gonna get a good answer. Xiangyu and I had a fun chat.


Also, today in Syntax we were talking about question sentences and how you invert the subject and the verb to ask questions. So, "You will eat today." turned into "Will you eat today?" The teacher really emphasized the will to make her point. And it was all I could do to not chuckle heartily and then ask if the class had any concerns that I could resolve.