I've been very happy this last while. I catch myself grinning all the time.

It's nice being this happy.

lucky in the grand scheme of stuff

This afternoon I was thinking about how lucky I am in the grand scheme of things. I mean, something absolutely shitty happened to me on my mission that messed me up incredibly and slowly dragged me down over the years. But once I realized what happened and started telling people and looking for help, I've never been denied it. In fact, EVERYONE has been loving and supportive. No one has ever doubted me, it's always been an immediate jump to belief and support. When I've needed something or have finally admitted that I'm not doing well, family and/or friends have jumped to me to support me.

How many people in my situation can say that? How many people in my situation get told the fault is theirs? How many people get rumors spread about them? Seriously, how many people end up dealing with stuff that is potentially more mentally and emotionally damaging than the sexual abuse/assault/rape they suffered.

But I have felt nothing but love and support--love and support that has been so overwhelming at times I've dropped to my knees.

I was chatting with Heavenly Father about this earlier. I think my question was a bit rhetorical, b/c I haven't received an answer yet. Maybe it's too early in the game for the answer. All I know is the support and outpouring of love that I've felt, even from people commenting on this blog that I don't personally know, have lifted me so high, have been a gentle upward push helping me get past one painful moment after another.

I don't know why I'm so lucky, but there's no way to express my gratitude about this. Here's a linguist saying that words in any of the languages I know are completely inadequate to describe what the unwavering support has done for my once broken and now healing soul

Something I now know unequivocally

Getting your legs waxed hurts like a {cussing cuss cuss of cuss}

Can't sleep, must play with eye shadow

I lay in bed for maybe 90 minutes unable to sleep. So I got up to read a book or something soothing. I ended up playing with eye shadow.

Yep.

Fer rills.

On my right I used greys and pinkish purplish colors. I smudged in some purple eye liner over the smokey one just for fun.

On the left I went for soft pinks and browns.

I know that you love the bonus of the purple nail polish that I messed up today and need to remove.



I should be asleep.

sleep blogging

Last night as I was falling asleep I thought to myself, "Me, did you blog about your hallucidreaming?" "No, that was just another of the weird dreams. Why would I blog about that?"

Yeah, so I really did blog about it and now I know that I can sleep blog, too.

Hallucidreaming

I'm pretty sure I was having sleeping hallucinations rather than dreams last night. At one point I woke up enough and put my phone on its airplane mode so I wouldn't do anything crazy.
I wish I could remember some of the story lines and the whatever else was going on. It really must be the closest thing to a drug trip I've ever felt.

I think it involved hovering, rapid color shifts, crazy dramatic movements, dangerous shifts in space, loss of gravity, irrational anger, giddiness. All of these ramped way up beyond dream level.

revision on one of the two things.

I realized that they way I worded something in my last post isn't really how I picture it. I talked about how my faith has been "building back up" or something like that. No, I don't think that's really what's going on. I feel like I'm close to Heavenly Father and Mother, that there's light and gold and beauty around me and I can reach out and down and around for truth that will enrich me and help me.

I feel like before in my life I was always mucking things out, building from the bottom up, reaching what I couldn't quite see. I feel like I'm in a much safer place, much higher and can look at and see things that will help me.

Yeah, not building back up, but gathering and encircling.